i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
