Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The air was thick with penises
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
