I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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