My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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