Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
