Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
