I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
