I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
