My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
