Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
