I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
