I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
