I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
