Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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