I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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