woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
