So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
