he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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