My sheets look like a crime scene.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
