Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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