The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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