I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
