last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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