I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
