I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
