I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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