I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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