I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
