He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Shame is for Republicans.
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