Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
