Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
