I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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