wrigley field is MILF paradise
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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