I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
