Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
