tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
