I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
