last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
