It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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