Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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