dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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