You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
