I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
