if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
