So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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