I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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