Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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