Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
