I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize