my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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