I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
