remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
