She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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