I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
