3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
