yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
