I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I could make wine with my vomit
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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