omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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