The best revenge is premature balding
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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