His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
