i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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