Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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