Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
