the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
