It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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