You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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