im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
