One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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