i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
