Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
